28 June 2006

Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de glorie est arrivé!

So, children, it is time for the World Cup. I'm sure there's a billion and a half bloggers out there spouting garbage about this or that or the other thing to do with their teams, so I won't get too into the fanaticism. Well, not my fanaticism; my problem is with others' fanaticism.

First you have the Italian fans. Not necessarily the Italian fans, but Canadians of Italian Descent. I'm talking multiple generations. People called Jeff who find one tiny shred of their heritage ("Hey, that's a spicy-a-meat-a-ball-ah!") and holy shit, watch the fuck out, here comes Il Duce. Suddenly their clothing becomes a certain Pantone which is invisible to dogs and their cars have flags and stickers and people honking and hollering "IIIITALLLLIIIIAAAA" out the windows of their cars upon days which no game occurs. Consider this, majority of Italy fans: You are not on the pitch; you are not in Germany; you are not in Rome, for that matter; you are not going to acquire more fans for your team by honking your Civic's horn like an autistic goose. Seriously, calm the fuck down.

Next you have the Brazilian fans. We know you had Pele. We know you have a monopoly on people whose names are prefaced with Ronald-. We are aware you have nice beaches and sun and decent beer. And yes, you're pretty flipping good at soccer. What drives me nuts about you is that you're trying to be nonchalant about this superority complex you have, and won't admit it. Basically, you're the Italian fans - unplugged. You also speak Portuguese. Five points lost for that.

Mexican, Argentinean and Spanish fans: I hold no quarrel with you. Yet.

Finally, you have the English fans. Everyone who is not covered in the above classifications are English fans. Everyone needs someone, right? Not necessarily bandwagoners, but at times just as rowdy as the Italian fans, the English fans love their Beckhams and Lampards and Chelseas and Manchester Uniteds (but not both, good God) blindly. Fair enough though, as what most of them exhibit is what I call the Leafs Effect. You know your team will make it far, then choke. Once they do, you will quickly scramble for another team to latch on to and claim that you were always a supporter of them from day one. Then, when the whole thing is over, you're back to cheering your original favourite. Never mind that no player on England was alive when they last won the Cup...

Keep in mind, all of these are horrible generalisations. I'm sure there are fans that break the mold: mellow Italian fans; loudmouthed Brazilian fans; Mexian, Argentinean and Spanish fans who are huge dicks; and English fans who stick to their team no matter what.

Oh, and what about the French fans? Well, I can't tell you flat out, but it rhymes with "mawesome".

Moment of Zen: Aux armes citoyens, Formez vos bataillons, Marchons, marchons, Qu'un sang impur, Abreuve nos sillons!

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