22 August 2006

Ladies and gentlemen, The Vestaloynes.

Hey kids, I was wandering around in the bad end of town when I came across a old, weather-worn magazine. Because I'm a fan of good ideas, I decided to pick it up, and 'lo, an issue of Rock Gods and Hot Rods from January 1973. The cover story was about a band that, although I'd never heard of them, they (this is going to sound stupid, but bear with me) played for me in a dream. So now I'm Neo and shit. I was able to copy the article, which I'm going to post below. I have no pictures or actual clippings from the magazine, because a hobo ran up to me, grabbed the magazine, hit me, and told me to stop courting his birds. Yeah.

Here's the article:

Music Is Complete: We Have The Vestaloynes.
The first in a three part series heralding the end of times, and the coming of The Vestaloynes
By Marshall "Hot Pockets" Blalock

Thunder roars, the skies part, music is heard above the din. Raw, delicious riffs; hard, throbbing grooves; pounding thrusts of percussion...and The Voice. Descending down to Earth with a secret agenda, only to be fulfilled by rocking, they are The Vestaloynes. The Vestaloynes want your mind, your eyes, and your ears; they know your thoughts, your hopes, your fears. Straight out of Dr. Hook's "Freaker's Ball" come the Vestaloynes, the audio paradox. Smooth and gritty; country and city; right up front but they sneak up behind; you see them and hear them, but they live in your mind. You only turn them on once, because you can't turn them off. This is The Vestaloynes' nefarious scheme.

Ancient stone tablets mention them, though recorded human history is but a blink in the eye of the Vestaloynes' epic journey through the ether. Inexplicable by means of science or faith, the true story of the five space troubadours is incomprehensible. It has been said that their Earthly forms were raised by she-wolves (the Romans paid homage to the Vestaloynes with the story of Romulus and Remus). As for their name? An excerpt from the Official Vestaloynes Biography and Colouring Book:
"Fatty, Sir Royal, Old Man, Big Jim, and Bosco P. took their surname from the vehicle of their conception, a '62 Vestaloyne."
Visionary, luminary, pulmonary. Don't bother hiding the women, such an effort is futile.

Here come The Vestaloynes.

And there you have it. When I woke up from the vigourous flogging which I received from my homeless aggressor, I found I was next to three dead seagulls and a pelican (how it got to St. Catharines is beyond me). So, sure, I got beaten senseless by a bum (seriously, I haven't been able to smell for three days), but I've become enlightened by the Vestaloynes. They even have a site. Check them out.

Moment of Zen: Pelican hats!

19 August 2006

Four point zero?

I joined the Blogger Beta, you'll find some differences. The fact that this looks nothing like it used to is one. You're not allowed to edit the HTML yet, so I'm buggered in terms of making a title image, for now.

Also, I've switched over to the Blogger comments system, so any old comments don't really exist anymore. I might save a backup of them for kicks/blackmail.

I may post something for real later on.

Moment of Zen: I'm 'swell?' I'm large, bloated, and hefty? Does my being swell amuse you?

13 August 2006

From anywhere to anyone


I currently wait for my lady to arrive home from work, and since it is now technically her birthday, I wait to bestow gifts. What a goddamn sweetheart I am.

So, I bide my time.

If anyone still reads this, you've either talked to me today or live with me, and you also know that my computer, well, is garbage. I had trouble with it a few months ago, as I had chronicled; after a "repair", it's even worse off. Perhaps putting a brand new 300gb drive on a five year old motherboard may have pissed it off. Maybe it overheard my nefarious scheme to have my music collection ripped at the highest possible rate so I can hook it up to my home theatre and enjoy it. Also we must consider the fact that one cannot polish a turd. In the coming months, I hope to go from brown box to white box, as shown below:

Yes, I realize the unintentional creepy blackface freaks you out. It freaks me out too. We're in this together, don't worry.

Either way, I'm hopefully getting a MacBook. Sure, I don't need one, but I'm bored of the whole PC fiasco. Sick of updates, sick of viruses, sick of crashing hard drives and blue screens of death. On top of that, I actually have valid reasons: I want a laptop for travel, such as to Europe or class; I want to become more familiar with other platforms; I want to have blogging/editing/music programs that all jive together. I'm pumped about the damn thing and it's not because of the neat-o "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" commercials. They're not pandering to me.

"Wait, hold the phone," you say, "did that hip cat say 'class'?" Yes, I did, and thank you for the compliment. I will (tentatively) be going to school in September...again. This time at a different institution, different program, shit, different city. Continuing my trend of "going to school in cities in which I have never been", I'll be taking the Journalism course at Niagara College. Why I said "tentatively" before is because I'm currently on a waiting list for the program, which makes sense considering I applied less than a week ago. I apparently have a 99.9% chance of getting in, so I'll just say I'm going to school. If I don't get in, I expect one solid week of binge drinking and sandwich eating, and you should too. You know what? Even if I do make it in, I will do it anyhow. That, friend, is my gift to you.

Some quick things to note:
  • Dead Rising for the Xbox 360 plays like the longest demo ever. It is fun until you realize you don't care about the people you're supposed to save (and they slow you down anyhow), and you also find out that commanding them into a crowd of zombies is very helpful. I will say this for the title though: the weapons are some of the most satisfying in any game I've ever played (you haven't lived until you've scalded a zombie's face with a hot frying pan, or knocked off a leg with a bowling ball). 6.5/10.
  • Read Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. Quality book, really cheap at Wal-Mart too.
  • Listen to Sounding a Mosaic by Bedouin Soundclash. I know lots of you may already have, but if not...well, hey.
  • The cat ate part of my fucking sandwich when I was in the bathroom. I was gone for like a minute, and the fat loaf decides to go to town on my ham. Cat, if you are intelligent enough to know that the worst possible thing you could do is involve yourself with my sandwich, then you're intelligent enough to read and peruse the tubes of the internet. So I say this once with clenched teeth: you're lucky Elaine likes you and that it is her birthday. You are on thin fucking ice with me. Enjoy your kibble. God damned cat.
I should probably go, and, you know, wrap Elaine's present.

Good night, oxygen thieves.

Moment of Zen: Dinosaur parties and the legend of the gay biscotti.

06 August 2006

I'm no Superman


I shall rip off an idea from a random blog:

Four Jobs I've Had
  • Slacker at a small-town video store
  • Fire-avoider (and occasional "Oh, shits, you mean your truck doesn't take diesel?"-er) at a gas station
  • Discontented alphabetizer at Blockbuster
  • Customer Relations and Sales Associate (read: retail slave) at EB Games

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Jurassic Park
  • Empire Strikes Back
  • Dazed and Confused

Four Places I Have Lived
  • Nobleton
  • Brock Residence
  • Thorold (Yeah!)
  • St. Catharines

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch
  • Scrubs
  • Lonely Planet/Globe Trekker/Pilot Guides (depends on the carrier)
  • Restaurant Makeover (Shit, I don't know)
  • Futurama (Which, thankfully, is returning in 2007)

Four Places I have Been on Vacation (and would like to return to)
  • Provence
  • Paris
  • Morocco
  • Spain

Four of My Favourite Dishes
  • My delicious grilled sandwich: stale baguette, olive oil, salami or dried ham, and love. Don't even attempt to create it, you can't.
  • Any time Elaine makes anything (I know it sounds expected, but seriously, not bad for a caker. It tastes great, and I am also lazy.)
  • Street meat in Toronto (fun fact: do NOT Google "street meat")
  • Paella and pastis with my family in France

Four Favourite Drinks (I will narrow this to beer)

Four Favourite Drinks (This one is liquor! HOORAY)
  • 007's martini (dry vermouth/gin, shaken...)
  • Pastis (cut with lots of water. Otherwise, she induces the vomiting quite rapidly)
  • This crazy orange stuff my cousins make (one shot makes you warm, two knock you on your ass, likely due to the medicinal alcohol in it...)
  • Grey Goose, straight (Stolichnaya will do in a pinch)

Four Websites I Visit Daily
  • digg.com
  • joystiq.com
  • en.wikipedia.org
  • various friends' blogs (which, admittedly, I do not read as much as they deserve...sorry)

Four Things I Should Be Doing Instead Of This
  • Finding Elaine a birthday present (shit!)
  • Dishes
  • Sleeping
  • Writing a proper post, rather than a cop-out list thing

I choose number three, and you get this.

Good night, children.

Moment of Zen: You got your love online, you think you're doin' fine, but you're just plugged into the wall.